Tone It Up's Karena Dawn says her mother's battle with mental illness inspired her latest project

Tone It Up's Karena Dawn says her mother's battle with mental illness inspired her latest project

Openness has always been a hallmark of what sets Tone It Up co-founder Karena Dawn apart from so many other fitness industry leaders. Will she tell you the best way to improve your cardio or get stronger abs? Absolutely. But it will also remind you of the importance of laughter and self-care along the way. (More: How to Navigate a Relationship When Your Partner Struggles with Mental Illness)

Recently, Dawn shared in a way more vulnerable than ever before, discussing her own mental health journey and struggles that she kept secret for decades. Her latest project, The Big Silence, is five years in the making, says Dawn. “Or actually 30 years in the making,” she says, having faced mental health issues (personal or family) for most of her life.

It began when she began writing a memoir (published April 26, 2022) in which she chronicles how her late mother's diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia (a mental disorder with symptoms such as hallucinations, delusions, and thought disorders) shaped her childhood. Over time, the idea of ​​sharing her story evolved into a safe place for others to share theirs - but getting to that point of vulnerability wasn't easy. In fact, she admits it took a long time.

The fight she kept secret for decades

"At first, [my dad, sister, and I] didn't know what was going on with my mom," Dawn says. "All we knew was that she started acting strangely, which affected the whole family. My mother was in and out of the house, either missing or in a mental institution."

Her mother was officially diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia when the Tone It Up co-founder was 13, but the official diagnosis didn't end the turmoil at home, she explains. “I spent my entire teenage years depressed,” says Dawn. There was more stigma around talking about mental health back then, so as a child she didn't tell anyone what was going on at home or how she was feeling, Dawn says. Instead, she says she tried to educate herself by reading a book at the library about schizophrenia — a big, unfamiliar word for her as a young teenager. (Related: Can Birth Control Cause Depression?)

As an adult, Dawn says her own depression sent her into a downward spiral and she turned to alcohol and drugs for temporary relief. “In my early 20s, after all that darkness, I said to myself, ‘Enough is enough,’” she says. “I worked really, really hard to turn my life around.”

At this point, Dawn says she found fitness again, doing triathlons and surfing. She started meditating and went to therapy. “I read every self-help book and really made time for self-healing,” she says.

The silence surrounding her mother's mental illness was so great in Dawn's life that even now she doesn't know who the first person she opened up to about it was. “I didn’t even talk to my [then] boyfriend of seven years about it,” she says. But she adds that she was open with her now-husband Bobby Gold when they began their relationship. (More: The Best Therapy and Psychiatry Apps)

Dawn says exercise was mostly therapeutic for her before she was ready to talk out loud about her childhood, including in therapy, and it continues to be a big part of her mental health. “Exercise became my therapy,” she says. "There are so many benefits, including hormonal ones like how it increases serotonin. It just always feels good to move your body - even if you just do it for 10 minutes." With every workout she did, be it a triathlon or a 45-minute yoga flow, the challenge of pushing through changed her mindset, Dawn says. "It's that feeling of 'I can do this. I can finish this race. I can get through this,'" she says.

Creating a safe space for others

Then came The Big Silence, which Dawn created with the help of her sister Rachel Sahaidachny as executive director. The nonprofit organization was founded to raise awareness of mental illness and provide resources, including a comprehensive and targeted list of where to seek help. “It’s a place where people can have hard conversations and heal together,” says Dawn, emphasizing that it’s a resource for anyone who has a mental health diagnosis or is suffering from a mental illness themselves. For anyone in immediate crisis, The Big Silence offers a 24/7 text message hotline connected to a crisis counselor. Anyone in need of assistance can simply text HERO to 741741 to be connected to someone immediately.

One place where these conversations will take place is The Big Silence podcast, which will feature in-depth conversations with therapists, spiritual leaders and public figures. Once it becomes safe to do so, there are also plans for in-person events, including one at Dawn's home in March.

Even now—after more than a decade of exercise, meditation, and therapy—Dawn is still working through her childhood trauma. Her upcoming memoir took nearly five years to write. Now she records the audio book version and relives the pain. She says she became emotional during a recent recording of the podcast. "I recorded an episode with [my husband] Bobby about communicating mental illness to a partner who doesn't understand it, and we cried together again," she says. But ultimately, she says working on The Big Silence brought her closer to her loved ones and created deeper bonds.

The healing isn't complete yet (is it ever?), but by speaking about her own experiences, Dawn invites others into the conversation to share their own. She says she's done being silent; She's ready to get loud.