What exactly is love bombing?

What exactly is love bombing?

You see it again and again in romantic films and on television: two people meet and one is more interested than the other. So what happens? The more interested person pursues relentlessly (and violates the other person's boundaries) until they fall in love, and it is attributed to the super romantic, passionate nature of "true love."

In reality, it's not romantic or sweet: it's love bombing.

You may have heard the expression “love bombing” before, but what does it really mean? What are the telltale signs of love bombing and what makes it so bad for relationships? Let's dive in.

What is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is when one person (usually a partner or parent) showers the other person with love, affection, adoration, compliments, attention, flattery, and gifts. This behavior is done to make the other person believe that they have met their soulmate (or in the case of a parent, to build "trust" with the child), thereby making that person believe that they need the love bomber. It tends to create the illusion, especially at the beginning of a relationship, that the relationship is effortless, easy, natural and real.

But love bombing doesn't last forever - and that's the problem. Most of the time, love bombing is a manipulation tactic to build love, trust, connection, and trust, and once these things are built, it is easier for the love bomber to have more control over the other person.

All the grand gestures and great affection create the illusion that they are the perfect partner (or parent). So if they do something wrong or treat the other person badly, they are quickly forgiven and can “get away with it.” Keep in mind that this will seem very out of character for the love bomber, as they have been the "ideal" partner (or parent) up to this point, so it will be easier for the other person to apologize for their actions.

Love bombing can look like several things: extreme attention and flattery, isolating the other person from their friends and family, excessive gifts, and constant availability whenever the other person needs them (for a specific period of time). (See: The Potential Red Flags in a Relationship You Need to Know)

PSA: Love bombing is a form of abuse

Oops, there it is. The person doing the love bombing may genuinely believe in the affection they have for the other person, but the intentions behind their actions are ultimately self-serving. When the love bomber showers the other person with gifts, love, and attention just to build their trust so they can have more control over them, that's abuse - no matter how you slice it. (See: Subtle Signs A Partner Might Be Becoming Physically Abusive And How To Get Out)

Name-calling can be a difficult topic. Various forms of verbal abuse have over time been normalized in the media or joked about because we don't know how serious they are. Belittling (including sarcasm), name-calling, and any verbal interaction that causes emotional harm to a person is considered emotional abuse. But just because we tend to treat verbal abuse like NBD doesn't mean it isn't serious. Love bombing falls into an intermediate category of verbal abuse and severe manipulation – which is still a form of abuse.

Any type of abuse inflicted on a person by another person usually has lasting psychological effects. There are so many reasons for this, and a big one is that when someone feels like they are safe with someone and that security is shaken, stabilized, and shaken again (like in a love bombing relationship), the person who is love bombing begins to believe that this relationship model is love. The constant affection and sudden humiliation begin to define their worth and make it difficult to trust new people. When a relationship is incredibly passionate - as a love bombing relationship typically is - the toxicity is typically disguised as passion. This is why it is generally difficult for both parties involved to seek a safer relationship. (Read more here: What is trauma bonding in a relationship?)

Why do people love bombs?

Here's the thing: You can recognize that someone's actions are completely inappropriate and inappropriate and also work to understand why they do them. This does not mean normalizing or enabling their actions. Rather, it helps to understand that we are all human and process our trauma and mental health differently.

There are many different reasons why someone might love bombing someone, but often it is due to insecurity and a desire to convince someone else that they are worth it and ultimately needed. A neglected childhood could trigger this, or they may have seen love bombs between their caregivers growing up, or perhaps they never saw examples of secure relationships in their upbringing.

It's possible that love bombing is a sign that you're dating someone who has narcissistic tendencies or maybe even is a narcissist — but it's not a direct connection. Yes, people who are narcissistic will often love bombs, whether it's intentional or not.

The root of love bombing usually creates a certain self-image for the love bomber that doesn't reflect who they really are - most likely because they don't know who they really are. While this may be a coping mechanism, it is still manipulation, still unhealthy, and still a form of abuse. Do you know the saying “hurt people hurt people”? This is very true of love bombing - it doesn't mean that person doesn't deserve love and a relationship - because they do, but they most likely need therapy first and are starting to unpack their own traumas.

How can love bombing affect a relationship?

Love bombing is likely to be very confusing for the person being love bombed because for them they are in a relationship with someone who is initially loving, attentive, available, generous and open. It will likely feel passionate, exciting, consuming, and real—until the person flips a switch. Because the person being love bombed believes that this person is who they were at the beginning of the relationship, they will generally make excuses for this behavior and say things like, "You were just having a bad day!" or “Well, they’re not usually like that.”

This is how the relationship becomes toxic and most likely abusive. When the love bomber's heightened and extreme emotions control the narrative of the relationship, the other person may begin to feel lost and powerless. This gives the love bomber even more confidence that they have gained trust and control.

Love bombing does not create a space for an honest and vulnerable relationship to form - because a person is not completely transparent right away. Additionally, the love-bombed person is often overshadowed, which generally means their feelings, needs, and desires are too. (Related: The Love Languages ​​Will Help You Connect Better With Your Partner)

What to do if you think your relationship is love bombing

If you just read this article and it hit a little too close to home, here are some additional steps you should take.

Name it first. Either admit to yourself that you are love bombing or are affected by love bombing. It may sound simple, but it's the first step to seeking help.

If you're not in therapy, start. This applies to the person doing the love bombing or the person receiving the love bombing. And be honest: the only way to navigate this situation is to be transparent with your therapist.

If you think you're a love bomber, remember: You're not a bad person because you have unresolved trauma that manifests in ways that hurt people, but it's your job to work on healing those traumas and toxic patterns.

If you are bombarded by love, talk to your therapist about healthy and safe ways to get out of the relationship. (More here: Why You May Feel “Stuck” in a Relationship — and How to Know When to End It)