What is trauma bonding in a relationship?

What is trauma bonding in a relationship?

In my opinion, the term “trauma bonding” is one of those psychological concepts (like attachment styles and gaslighting) that found its way into the public consciousness – and was subsequently misused through casual conversation.

Trauma bonding is an important thing to understand and use correctly. Here you will learn the common misconceptions, the true meaning of trauma bonding, what trauma bonding looks like, and how to get out of a trauma bonded relationship.

This isn't necessarily a fun, light-hearted conversation, but it's certainly a necessary one. Even if you're not in a trauma-bound relationship, understanding the signs and language could potentially help someone you love who is. And every time you learn why people react or act the way they do, it helps you become an even more empathetic listener and helper - and the world always needs more of that.

What exactly is trauma bonding?

Trauma bonding is often misunderstood as a bond between two or more people who experience the same traumatic event - but that is not the actual meaning of trauma bonding.

Trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse in which the abused person forms an unhealthy bond with their abuser. An example of trauma bonding is Stockholm syndrome – when a prisoner tends to develop sympathy or affection for their abuser, which prevents them from recognizing the seriousness of their situation.

Trauma bonding has no specific timeline and can develop over days, weeks, months, or even years. It is important to note that not everyone who experiences abuse develops a trauma bond, but everyone with a trauma bond has experienced some type of abuse. Trauma bonding and Stockholm syndrome can begin when an abused person begins to rationalize their abuser's actions.

It is important to note that by “abuse” we mean any type of abuse – physical, mental and emotional. Generally, there will be a combination of several types of abuse involved in trauma bonding.

In addition to sympathy, it is very common for an abused person to have feelings of attachment and dependence toward their abuser - which also leads to ongoing patterns of abuse and a sense of responsibility for their abuser's actions.

Trauma bonding is an extremely unhealthy bond between two people (sometimes more people are involved if they are parents or guardians) where one person is the abuser and one person is abused. In short, it's a confusing vicious cycle to find yourself in and can feel like a mindfuck to the person being abused. (Related: What is intergenerational trauma and how can you heal from it?)

“These attachments cause the [person] to distrust their own judgment, distorting their own realities so much, [they] can put themselves at greater risk,” writes Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., founder of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals, who first coined the term “trauma bonding” in his course entitled Trauma Bonds.

How does trauma bonding work?

Your brain is always trying to protect you, even if it means making you feel safe in an unsafe situation in order to survive.

Carnes defined “trauma bonding” as “dysfunctional bonds that occur in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation” and considers it one of nine possible responses to a traumatic situation. “When people are deeply frightened, trauma causes a biological change in the brain,” he writes in his Trauma Bonds course. And when that fear goes away, all the neurochemicals associated with it go away too. Then "the person experiences cravings. They may be attached to trauma." With long-term trauma, the person actually gets used to it.

In relationships with traumatic attachments, the abused person is likely to play "small" to feel safe - they are reassuring, obedient, and stay in the relationship because they think it is a "normal relationship." (Also Read: The potential red flags in a relationship you need to know about)

For example, children form bonds with their caregivers because they need someone they can rely on to survive, while adults form bonds with other people who offer them comfort and support. Suppose the caregiver of a child growing up was abusive. In this case, because of the trauma bond, the child is likely to associate love with abuse - later leading to romantic relationships that mirror the caregiver relationships of their upbringing. For this reason, it is difficult for the person who grew up abused to see their caregiver or partner as “bad” because that is the only form of “love” they know.

This type of trauma bonding also generally results in the child taking blame for the way they are treated - their sense of self is never fully developed because the love they receive from their caregiver or partner most likely has to be earned or comes only after they have been abused. This vicious circle results in the abused feeling that their caregiver or partner is actually “good,” but they are the reason for the abuser’s actions.

It is also common for an abusive person, after causing harm, to promise to change or “make amends” for their behavior. This can sometimes be presented in generous gifts, romantic gestures, or other intense attentions that make the abused person feel loved. This behavior gives the abused person hope that their relationship will one day look like this forever - and it is this hope that reinforces the trauma bond - especially if the person has become accustomed to poor treatment. (Related: How to Know If You May Be in a Narcissistic Relationship)

What can trauma bonding look like IRL?

There are many different types of potential trauma-abusive relationships, such as domestic violence, child abuse, incest, kidnapping, exploitative employment, cults, codependent relationships - really any type of relationship in which one person can dominate the other. (See also: 7 Signs You May Be in a Toxic Relationship)

When trauma bonds are at play and someone has bonded with their abuser, they are likely to try to justify or defend the abuse. This can manifest itself in a number of ways including:

• Versuchen, die missbräuchliche Person zu decken
• Sich von Menschen in ihrem Leben distanzieren, die versuchen, ihnen zu helfen
• Entschuldigungen für ihren Täter finden, warum ihre missbräuchlichen Handlungen gültig sind
• Sich widerwillig fühlen, Schritte zu unternehmen, die sie aus der Beziehung und Situation herausholen
• Zustimmung zu den Argumenten der missbräuchlichen Person, sie schlecht zu behandeln

This may sound like:

• “Sie wollten mich nicht verletzen, sie hatten nur einen schlechten Tag.”
• „Es ist wirklich meine Schuld – ich habe sie wütend gemacht.“
• „Sie reagieren nur so, weil sie mich so sehr lieben – du würdest es nicht verstehen.“
• „Sie sind gerade sehr gestresst – es wird später besser.“

It is important to note that even if someone is able to leave a relationship where there is a traumatic attachment, this feeling of protecting their abuser does not simply go away. It is likely that the person who was abused will still feel a strong sense of loyalty to their abuser and will sometimes feel tempted to return. This may be confusing from an outsider's perspective - but the important thing here is to be sensitive and gentle.

If someone has experienced a traumatic bond in their relationship, it's likely that their trauma feels safe - even if it obviously isn't. Someone who has been abused begins to believe that this is what true love looks like, and healthy love can feel overwhelming, repulsive, or scary. (Related: Why You Might Feel “Stuck” in a Relationship — and How to Know When to End It)

How do you leave a relationship where trauma bonding is present?

Leaving a traumatic relationship can not only feel scary for the person who was abused, but it can also feel really unsafe for them to leave. Leaving certain abusive situations can require a lot of careful planning. So when the person leaves, they are equipped for a successful “escape” and have the tools they may need.

People fleeing abusive relationships or relationships with traumatic attachments may need financial help, finding housing, finding work or income, making plans to leave (and staying safe after leaving), or even compiling a list of names and contact details of safe people they can ask for help.

Once the person has found safety, it is essential to begin psychotherapy (of any kind) and even consider joining a support group for survivors of domestic violence or other types of abuse. Trauma that impacts a person's mental well-being can feel like untangling a ball of yarn - it's messy, it probably doesn't make much sense, it's frustrating, and it can't be untangled without support. Most of the time, people recovering from abuse feel like they are always the problem - meaning they need even more reassurance and guidance to safely deal with the trauma they experienced. (Also Read: 5 Steps to Cope with Trauma, According to a Therapist Who Works with First Responders)

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship or potentially experiencing a traumatic attachment, learn more about it (that's what you're working on now), reach out to a therapist who specializes in helping people who have been in abusive relationships of all kinds. Almost all therapists have training in working with survivors of abuse, but some will specialize and have in-depth training in many unique methods to support you and your healing.

Ideally, you should not leave a traumatic relationship until you have a safety plan in place. A safety plan includes having a safe place with support. There are many support hotlines that can help you and offer 24/7 advice via telephone or internet, such as: B. the National Domestic Violence Support Hotline. Remember: you are not alone and you don't have to figure it out alone.