What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable?

What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable?

You're probably familiar with the term "emotionally unavailable"—whether it's thanks to someone you went on a date with and called it off, or something you used to refer to your own relationship status. But the term “emotionally unavailable” probably gets thrown around more often than it should be, or at least without a ton of consideration for its actual meaning.

"'Emotional unavailability' is a catch-all term that describes a state of not being in touch with your own emotions and/or willing to show them to someone else," says Irene Fehr, MA, sex and intimacy coach. “It’s as if there’s a wall between you and other people that prevents emotional information and experiences from coming out – and also going in.”

Because of its overly generalized usage, the term has also made it easier to dismiss someone as emotionally unavailable without truly understanding what it means, how deep it goes, and where it comes from. As with most things people experience, emotional availability or unavailability is not so cut and dry.

What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable?

To better understand what it means to be emotionally unavailable, Fehr says you first need to unpack what it means to be emotionally available.

Emotionally available people are typically able to do the following:

• Erleben Sie Ihre eigenen Gefühle in vollem Umfang.
• Teilen Sie diese Gefühle mit einer anderen Person und lassen Sie sie Zeuge Ihrer inneren Erfahrung werden, damit Sie sich tief mit ihr verbinden können.
• Öffne dein Herz, auch wenn die Möglichkeit einer Enttäuschung besteht.
• Erlaube dir, dich zu verlieben, trotz vergangener Erfahrungen, die dich vielleicht verletzt haben.
• Drücken Sie Ihre wahren Bedürfnisse nicht nur Ihrem Partner, sondern allen nahen Menschen in Ihrem Leben aus.
• Erhalten Sie die Liebe und Unterstützung aller in Ihrem Netzwerk, von Ihrem Partner bis zu Ihren Freunden und Ihrer Familie.
• Erlaube dir, vollständig zu träumen und dann in der Lage zu sein, diese Wünsche mit anderen in deinem Leben zu teilen.

Granted, being emotionally available doesn't require you to check everything off this list, but it does provide some insight into what it can look like and what it requires of someone.

Everyone is born emotionally available, says Fehr. It is the experiences along the way that can take that availability and tip it to the side. From the moment you were born, you communicate your needs to those around you so that they can be met. For example, as a baby you cried to let your parents know you were hungry or needed a diaper change.

“A child asks without hesitation for exactly what they want – not for what they should want or what is allowed,” explains Fehr. "A child fully feels the wonder of things and does not worry about disappointment. Children have no problems dreaming or letting love in; they are love sponges."

What causes someone to become emotionally unavailable?

If you are born open and available, what happens to someone who is emotionally unavailable? This is something that is developed through negative life experiences, often at a young age, explains Fehr. When you're continually denied something you need - especially in your formative years - it's only natural to close down emotionally to protect yourself. They might then view vulnerability (aka emotional availability) as dangerous or disappointing. (Related: How to Break Up With Someone in the Healthiest Way)

While the specifics of how someone becomes emotionally unavailable will vary, there are still some common themes: emotions were not externally shared within the family, nor were needs, fears, dreams, and experiences truly heard. Without the reassurance of a parent or trusted adult to make a child feel safe and protected from their overwhelming feelings, a child will be forced to learn how to deal with these things — which they are sometimes too young to handle — on their own, he says Fehr. For some this means switching off. “If the feeling was a burst water pipe and you have no way to repair it, the best solution is to turn off the water and keep it closed,” says Fehr. “Without support, children learn to switch off emotions to protect themselves.” (Also read: Why it is so important to experience both positive and negative emotions)

Is emotional unavailability a problem?

If at this point you're asking yourself, "Wait, am I emotionally unavailable?" You should explore this curiosity further.

“The tools you used as a young child to [overwhelm] your feelings no longer apply when you're an adult,” says Fehr. "If you can't share what's hurting you or what you need in your marriage and therefore aren't getting your needs met or feeling connected to your partner, you're now actually hurting yourself. When that becomes a pattern, it becomes a very unhealthy expression of what was originally healthy and needed."

Being closed off in this way is also a sign that you are emotionally unavailable. But (!) You don't have to get stuck here: you can remedy this (if the desire for change is there) by understanding what emotional unavailability looks like in your own life, and admitting that it is present in your interpersonal relationships and your own personality, and then of course working to overcome it. Ultimately, you may want to consider working with a therapist, life coach, or intimacy coach to help you discover buried emotions and become more open. (Related: How to Build Intimacy with Your Partner)

Here's how to tell if you're emotionally unavailable

Now that you understand where you started and how you got to where you are, Fehr says you can recognize emotional unavailability in yourself or a partner.

Emotionally available people are typically able to do the following:

• Erlaube dir, das volle Ausmaß verletzter Gefühle zu spüren und verstecke dich hinter „Mir geht es gut“.
• Halte dein Herz geschlossen und teile deine Gefühle nicht mit anderen aus Angst vor Enttäuschungen. Sie riskieren nicht, verwundbar zu sein.
• Halten Sie Ihren Partner sowohl körperlich als auch emotional auf Abstand, um eine tiefe Verbindung zu vermeiden.
• Erlaube dir nicht, dich zu verlieben und weiß nicht, wie man Liebe vollständig empfängt – sowohl romantisch als auch platonisch.
• Sei nicht ehrlich in Bezug auf deine Gefühle und was du wirklich willst und brauchst, sondern ziehe es vor, das zu sagen, was andere deiner Meinung nach hören wollen.
• Erlauben Sie sich nicht, sich Ihre Wünsche vollständig vorzustellen, und bleiben Sie im „Praktischen“ oder „Realistischen“.

No one can blame you for guarding your heart, but it can be unhealthy and deeply lonely to avoid deeper connections with those around you, especially when those people love you and want you to be completely open with them.

“Everyone experiences some level of emotional unavailability — and often it’s a prudent thing to do with strangers and those you get to know,” Fehr says. “You want to build trust with a person who will allow you to reveal your innermost experiences.” The key is to eventually let that guard down as you develop that sense of security. (Related: All Relationship Attachment Styles, Explained)

How to tell if your partner is emotionally unavailable

While some of the same clues you look for within yourself can be used here, emotional unavailability may look different with someone you're dating. Some signals according to Fehr:

• Sie vermeiden Konflikte und wenden sich an „Mir geht es gut“, anstatt herauszufinden, was sie beunruhigt.
• Sie wischen Komplimente oder Liebesbeweise von dir ab.
• Sie schlagen um sich, was wie kein Grund erscheint, weil sie keine Angst vor Verletzungen äußern können.
• Sie vermeiden Gespräche über Emotionen – sowohl ihre als auch deine.
• Sie übertreiben oder geben zu viel, lassen sich aber nicht von anderen unterstützen oder dazu beitragen.

Should you date someone who is emotionally unavailable?

Ask yourself: Would you want someone to give you a chance if you were (or are) the emotionally unavailable partner in this scenario?

"Basically, a person who is emotionally unavailable is still very afraid of their emotions... it also means that it hasn't been safe for them to open up emotionally in the past," says Fehr. “As a result, emotionally unavailable people find it difficult to form deeply emotional relationships, but they can absolutely learn to thrive in them – if and only if they have the desire to do so.”

If this desire is present, the first step to building an emotional connection is for you to take the first step of being completely open with him. Don't hold back your feelings. Imagine that it shows them the way, opens the door and creates a safe space in which they can share their own experiences. However, it is important to recognize that emotionally opening up to a partner who is emotionally unavailable is not a one-time thing, but rather an ongoing process. (Related: How to Identify Your Feelings Using a Wheel of Emotions—and Why You Should)

It's also important to recognize that some emotionally unavailable people are simply unwilling to do the work to become more open. If you are aware of this and still choose to enter into a relationship with them, do not expect any revelation. They are not a project that will eventually be completed when certain milestones are reached or with longevity. People who don't want to change won't, and pushing them to change will only backfire. (Related: How to Define Emotional Cheating or Emotional Infidelity in Your Relationship)

Being emotionally available means allowing yourself to live fully – whatever that looks like for you. But know that if you're not there yet or someone you've met needs support to get there, everyone is a work in progress - and that's okay. Respecting the past allows you to learn from it and grow as a person and in your relationships. By doing so, we hope you will be better able to give and receive love in every shape and form.