How to Love Being Single When You're Exhausted from Dating

How to Love Being Single When You're Exhausted from Dating

Dating can feel like craving everything bagel except onions. You want it all, but instead you're left with the stench of a subpar experience.

You may feel external pressure to find a partner, and quickly, which certainly doesn't help. "Society has made singles feel like there's something wrong with them if they're not in a relationship, but there's nothing wrong with you because you're not in a relationship; it just means you're not in a relationship yet," says Theresa Timmons, LCSW, a licensed clinical socialist associate and psychotherapist at Timmons Therapy Solutions in New York.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are 126.9 million unmarried American adults, meaning nearly half of U.S. adults are single. Still, it's easy to feel like the only one struggling in an endless single life, especially when most of your friends are dating and quick to offer unsolicited dating advice.

If you're struggling to find the good in single life, changing your mindset may take some work. But rest assured that whether you're looking for a relationship or want to stay single for the foreseeable future, it's worth the effort. Here, mental health experts offer advice on how to reframe those limiting thoughts—and actually enjoy being single.

Find negative thoughts you have about being single.

Research suggests that your thoughts can trigger emotions. If you have negative thoughts about being single - perhaps you feel like you'll always be passed over for someone who meets certain beauty standards - they could bring up sadness or anger.

According to Jessica Miller, LCSW, a licensed mental health counselor, increasing your awareness of negative thoughts can be beneficial in and of itself. “To reframe your ideas, you must first understand what you are thinking,” she says. "If reframing your ideas is a new skill, awareness is an important first step. If you feel a strong feeling like worry in the pit of your stomach, stop and ask yourself, 'What am I thinking?' Just start writing. Recognizing it by writing it down can be relieving in and of itself."

You don't have to immediately try to force positive thoughts about being single. "Trying to suppress negative thoughts or replace them with positive ones that you don't really believe in doesn't reduce them; it actually increases them," says Jan Newman, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. “Instead, start by noticing the thought from a distance.”

How to Survive—and Thrive—During Cuffing Season

Move away from thinking or speaking in extremes.

When taking inventory, pay particular attention to exaggerations. “Be on the lookout for all-or-nothing thinking,” says licensed psychologist Linda Baggett, Ph.D. “Any time you use words like always, ever, never, forever, nobody, etc., that's probably a pretty extreme thought, that's probably an exaggeration,” she says. "Like: 'No one will ever want me.' No one, really? You're certainly not for everyone, and dating is hard as hell, but you have no evidence that no one will ever want you."

You might start to believe that the extreme thoughts are facts. “[People] can all be so critical of [themselves] with the scripts that keep playing into [their] minds,” says Erin Bircher, LCMHC, LCAS, psychotherapist and owner of Foundations4Change. “The thing about the scripts that are playing back in [your] head is that most of them are made up,” she says. "These are stories [you] create, and the scary part is that [you] hear them played out so much [you] believe them to be true without concrete evidence...[You] must be extremely careful about the false narratives we create to be absolute truths with no credibility."

Use self-talk to your advantage.

Self-affirmations can be game-changing, especially in a society that sometimes spreads the message that individuals are doing something wrong. While anyone who is struggling should seek cognitive behavioral therapy to develop "more adaptive responses, thoughts, and behaviors," you can begin healing yourself by practicing affirmations that lead to positivity, Timmons says. For example, you can use the affirmations, “I deserve a healthy relationship,” “I like that being single gives me time to meet myself,” “A relationship is not my only goal in life,” “I have many sources of love in my life,” or “I am lovable.”

"I recommend playing around with affirmations to find words that have meaning to you—because if you can relate to the words you say, you're more likely to believe them," explains Timmons. “When you believe it, it becomes your narrative – not just something you tell yourself.”

If you're prone to negative self-talk, consider what you would say to a friend if they expressed the same toxic thoughts, advises Baggett. “Chances are, you would never say to a friend what you say to yourself,” she says. "And the truth is, if you wouldn't say it to a friend, you shouldn't say it to yourself either."

For example, if a friend said, "I'll be alone forever" or "I'll never find anyone who wants me," you might say, "I know this is super hard and it's not in it forever and be gentle with yourself. What do you need for support in the meantime?" says Baggett.

So, say the same thing to yourself. “Practice moving from your stressful thoughts to some compassion,” says Baggett. "That sidestep, whether or not the thought is true or accurate, and jumps straight to acknowledging how hard it is to feel what you're feeling right now. It's more productive and asks you to be gentle with yourself. For example, 'It's really hard to feel hopeless when you're dating.'"

The best affirmations you should try now

Become more conscious when dating.

Maybe you've decided that being single is better, despite everyone's ideas that you should feel otherwise. But if you're looking for a relationship and feel like you're in a waiting game, it's helpful to be more intentional about dating, says Gaby Balsells, a clinical psychologist and couples therapist.

“Write down a list of your wants, needs, and desires for a partner,” says Balsells. "Journal about it. Be really clear about it." The quicker you identify what you don't want, the sooner you can start looking for someone who fits what you're looking for, she adds.

Remember, dating isn't a numbers game, says Balsells. "You don't need everyone you date to like you," she explains. "You don't need them all, you just need the right thing. Set the intention to have fun while dating." Remember that you can also take breaks from dating to enjoy what you have instead of focusing on what you don't have.

Date yourself.

Regardless of whether you are interested in finding a partner, you can make a point yourself. Instead of fixating on “finding the one,” focus on “becoming the one,” Balsells says. “You don’t build an extraordinary relationship once you find someone,” she explains. “You start falling so deeply in love with and caring for your life the moment you begin a relationship with yourself – that’s what makes a healthy partner attractive and magnetic.” One way to do this is to write down a list of things you love about yourself—and put the list somewhere you'll see it often, she suggests.

Marhya Kelsch, LCSW, owner of Middleway Psychotherapy, recommends joining meetups and social groups with like-minded people to create connections (not necessarily romantic connections) with other people with shared interests. She also encourages her clients to go out once a week while they are single. “Dress up, eat something you like, go to a new park — learn what you like and don’t like,” she says. "Arrange a date with your town. Get the local newspaper or read it online. Check out the local events and fairs. Pick something you've never done before and do it...[your] mood (regardless of whether [you] enjoyed the activity)."