What exactly is self-confidence and how do you know if you have it?

What exactly is self-confidence and how do you know if you have it?

Self-consciousness. It seems like a good thing. But ask anyone what exactly it means and you'll probably be met with crickets.

Just because you may not be able to accurately define personal ability doesn't mean that "self-awareness" is unimportant. Self-confidence can not only be explained but also cultivated to improve the overall quality of life on a large scale.

Read on for an explanation of what self-confidence is, how to tell if you have self-confidence, and tips for raising your own self-awareness to improve your relationships and overall well-being.

What is self-confidence?

The definition of self-awareness, according to Merriam Webster, is a person's awareness of their own personality. According to psychotherapist Courtney Glashow, LCSW, founder of Anchor Therapy LLC, self-awareness is more than just whether a person is funny and knows it or not empathetic and aware of that deficiency.

True self-knowledge involves being able to name not only your general personality and behavior, but also what you're thinking and feeling in real time, she says. “It is also an awareness of how you are behaving in a given moment (or moments) and how others perceive you and those actions,” she says.

Essentially, self-awareness is the ability to know yourself and recognize your impact on other people.

Why self-knowledge is so important

Apparently, people with self-confidence are happier than those who don't have it.

First-timers, people who are self-aware have better relationships of all kinds. “People who are self-aware know how those around them feel,” explains Glashow. And when someone is attuned to the emotions of others, they can adjust their actions to better support those individuals' emotional well-being. Or just have enough insight to ask how they feel.

Of course, most people want to date, be friends with, or work for someone like that. In fact, according to Harvard Business Review, confident people make better bosses and have happier employees and therefore more profitable companies. This means it literally pays to be confident.

Need more evidence of what the other type of person can do for your well-being? Just think about your worst first date ever. Or your worst boss ever. Or the one person in the world who annoys you the most. Whether a real punch, deliberate or accidental, chances are this person lacked confidence. According to Glashow, people without self-awareness are generally neither friendly nor good at receiving feedback or criticism, nor are they usually open to alternative viewpoints.

People with self-confidence also have a better relationship with themselves, she says. "Because when you are in tune with your feelings, you can adjust your actions when you feel something negative," she explains.

In addition, self-knowledge is the foundation you need to be able to work on yourself. “Only when you are aware of who you are can you take steps to become who you want to be,” she notes. This should make intuitive sense: if you don't know where you come from or what your "weaknesses" are, you can't possibly try to improve them. (

Self-work is not about being perfect

How to know if you are confident

Sorry, guys, but there's no multiple-choice test that can tell you how confident you really are - but there's a good chance you can improve. Apparently 95 percent of people think they are self-aware, but only 10-15 percent actually are, according to Tasha Eurich, Ph.D., organizational psychologist and researcher, in her TEDx talk on the topic.

“There are no self-confidence tests or quizzes for anyone to take,” Glashow says. So to get a better sense of where you fall on the spectrum of self-awareness, she recommends taking a moment to reflect on some of your feelings, thoughts, and experiences.

Ask yourself the following questions. It may be useful to write down the answers in a notebook:

“If you are able to answer questions like this objectively [in a way that is not influenced by personal feelings or opinions] then you are self-aware – or at least practicing being self-aware in that moment,” she says. Your self-confidence may be in its infancy or need some elbow grease (IDYCK, self-compassion is a really important skill too).

How to cultivate self-confidence

Good news: Self-confidence is not an innate character trait that you either have or don't have. On the contrary, self-knowledge is a skill that most people can learn and improve. “But it takes hard work,” says Glashow. It takes a combination of mindfulness, self-reflection and willpower.

Notable: Narcissists and people with narcissistic personality traits will have an extremely difficult time being truly self-aware. “It is almost impossible for these people to perceive how others see them,” she says.

For everyone else, here's how to learn to be more confident.

1. Keep asking the hard questions.

Consider taking a screenshot of the questions above or bookmarking the link. “[Those] are the kind of questions you can ask yourself over and over again in certain moments to improve your self-awareness,” says Glashow.

You can also create your own questionnaires. According to Eurich's TEDx Talk, "what" questions are typically much more effective at building self-confidence than "why" questions. “Why” questions tend to encourage negative thought spirals because most people don’t have access to the motives they’re looking for; “What” questions, on the other hand, promote objectivity and help people think forward (as opposed to backward). (

75 Diary encourages self-reflection

2. Start a mindfulness practice.

Mindfulness is a bit of a buzzword, but it really is a powerful practice. Mindfulness is a person's awareness and non-judgmental acceptance of who they are, as defined by the Clinical Psychological Review.

There are a number of ways to develop mindfulness, including:

• Gehende Meditation
• Meditation im Sitzen
• Achtsames Essen
• Achtsame Bewegung
• Körper scannen
• Body-Mapping

Glashow's Recommendation: Spend at least 10 minutes a day doing one of these mindfulness activities. Longer if you're really committed. (See more: How to Practice Mindful Meditation Anywhere)

3. Go to therapy.

A therapist is a professional trained to help you become more confident. Just like you would hire a piano teacher if you wanted to learn to play the piano, why not hire a therapist to help you increase your confidence IQ?

Cognitive behavioral therapy, a therapeutic approach that emphasizes how changing your thoughts can change your emotions, may be particularly effective for developing self-awareness, according to research sponsored by the American Counseling Association. (To get started, read this guide to learn how to find the best psychologist for you.)

4. Practice listening.

According to the American Society for Public Administration, listening is a skill that many confident people possess. FTR: Listening is not the same as hearing. More than just letting sounds go into your ears, listening is about actually digesting what someone is saying, emotionally and mentally.

Practice listening during your next conversation with someone by making eye contact, nodding your head at appropriate moments, making encouraging noises, and asking appropriate follow-up questions. (

The best self-growth books to change your life and your perspective